Why You Should Not Give Advice
Actually, actually, sometimes you should give advice. But most of the time you probably shouldn’t. Most of the time when you feel the urge to give advice, you probably shouldn’t.
Nobody has a problem with people who give advice at the appropriate time when people are listening. In fact, such people are awesome and necessary, obviously because the advice given can be helpful, even life-changing. It’s when advice is given at inappropriate times to people who aren’t interested, where it feels like it’s less about trying to help others and more about ego and feeling important because you’re taking on the role of someone who’s “sharing wisdom.” We’re going to call such people “advice-givers.”
Now the typical advice-giver would jump at every opportunity to give advice. Say they overhear a conversation where someone is sharing a personal problem, like oh I have trouble losing weight, I can’t find the motivation to study or exercise, I’m struggling with anxiety, I can’t find a girlfriend.... The advice-giver would jump on these conversations like a lion to a juicy lamb.
He would start rattling on about the science of habit-forming, or the inarguable traits of a fulfilling relationship, generously sharing the profound insights he possesses from reading 4 self-help books. All this, while the people who are blessed to receive this wisdom, fidgets, scratches and frowns, displaying not-so-subtle body signals that would make an autistic person blush. And when someone else wants to share their opinion, the advice-giver interrupts after a few seconds, treating another human with nuanced opinions like a pimple on a dog.
The advice-giver is oblivious to the fact that everyone wants him to be quiet, so he continues on with his soliloquy for at best a merciful 5 minutes, until at last to spare themselves from the torment, the receivers of this onslaught come up with some excuse like “oh let me get some food” or “oh, I’m going to the bathroom,” even though they really don’t need to go to the bathroom.
Most people would not tell the advice-giver that he should stop giving advice and that he just comes off as overly talkative and arrogant. And really, they’re not expected to. Because if the advice-giver is ever given such feedback, he’s retort by explaining how “right” or how “important” his advice is and you’d be subjected to another long-winded 10-minute presidential address and you’d regret ever giving advice to the advice-giver.
Likely, the advice-giver’s advice isn’t even good. The fact that you understand little to nothing about the person’t situation yet you think you can give specific advice that can be immediately helpful, like you’re some psychiatrist with psychic powers. Also if you were actually wise and did have good advice, you wouldn’t be so enthusiastic to boast about it, because you’d be self-confided enough to not need praise. (I once heard an advice-giver who’s been to prison a million times for assault declare “I give very good advice to people, I just don’t follow it myself.” Well if you can’t follow your good advice, it’s probably because it’s not good advice.)
But really, whether the advice is good or not is besides the point. The fact is people who are struggling with weight loss or relationship issues or mental issues, are probably already in the middle of believing and doing something to try to fix the problem. Their experiment might work, or it might not. But even if they’re going on the wrong path, they’re still deeply invested in their way of doing things, nine times out of ten they will not want to listen to you. And if you still insist on giving advice when no one is listening, it’s not being helpful, it’s just being rude. Good advice given at the wrong time is bad advice.
Maybe you want to give the advice-giver a massive benefit of the doubt and say they’re not trying to be attention-seeking, or to feel like they’re better than everyone, they just sincerely want to help others. Well I frankly don’t care whether a person’s intentions are good or not, what really matters is the effect. Ever heard a dictator who killed 10 million people say they just want to see the world burn? They’ll say they’re trying to “save the world,” it’s for the “safety of the people” we have to torture and rape millions of people for world peace.
As someone who was diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder 7 years ago, I have first-hand experience insulting and verbally abusing people with my advice. (I once tried to “inspire” an overweight female by calling her a “filet-o-fish.’ I once told someone who felt trapped in his school and job that he might as well be a “nigger in chains.”) I’d try to justify my abusive language by saying “It was good for them,” “I was pushing them to be better,” “this makes them stronger.” And fortunately as I managed to become less mentally ill, without anyone ever telling me, I just naturally stopped insulting people, and naturally gave less advice, as if mental illness and the egotistic desire to give unwarranted advice were sort of like.... related. What magic!
But really, most people are guilty of being an advice-giver to some extent. Maybe you never insult people, you just can’t control giving too much advice once you start. Maybe you do catch yourself giving too much advice at times, and stop once you realize you’re making people uncomfortable. It’s an act of empathy to be able to read people’s body language and words and decide whether you should or should not share your opinion. And love and empathy are not things you’re born with, but are skills that anyone can cultivate.
So unless someone asks for your opinion, or you’ve established a deep level of trust and the person is receptive to your advice, just don’t give advice. Most of the time when people share their problems the best thing you can do is just listen and ask questions. You provide emotional support and a sense that you care for them, and that’s it.
The most inspiring people in my life have all been friends who have never given me advice. They just listened with a sincere curiosity, to all my problems and my endearing plans to rule the world. They probably had plenty of great advice to give, but they didn’t offer it, probably because they knew that’s not what I needed. What they thought I needed most was the care and love of a good listener, and they were right. They were the wisest people I ever knew, yet they barely said anything. They never “showed” their knowledge, and I never realized how important they were to my life until years later.
To quote a Taoist saying, “The wisest people in the world, are invisible.”